


In Loving Memory

by midoriverte



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M, spoilers up to this point in tgre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 09:06:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9995024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriverte/pseuds/midoriverte
Summary: Most of the time, Kaneki could bring himself to forget, just for a little while. He could forget what he had done to the person he loved the most, who loved him more than he deserved.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have to blame conversations with sinshine for this.

Kaneki didn’t believe in ghosts, but he believed he was haunted.

Most of the time, he could bring himself to forget, just for a little while. He could forget what he had done to the person he loved the most, who had loved him more than he deserved.

The person he betrayed and failed time and again. The person he had killed, who had let Kaneki kill him.

He was busy enough, in his new position as the “One-Eyed King” (a title that still filled him with some embarrassment), to be able to push Hide from his mind. He had so many people who looked to him for guidance now, it was a little overwhelming.

He could never shake the thought that Hide could have done a better job. He was always the one who was frighteningly clever, who had a million aces up his sleeve-

He was gone now, Kaneki told himself firmly every time his mind wandered to this thought. There was no use wishing he could take over, that Hide would turn up with his brilliant smile and fix everything like he had so many times before.

This thought didn’t stop Kaneki from imagining what Hide would have said every time he had to make a decision in his role as king.

Kaneki could forget, when he was with others and he was playing the part of a leader. But every moment he had to himself, his mind wandered back to Hide.

He supposed, in some twisted way, this meant Hide could never leave him.

Still, his mental image of Hide seemed to have faded somewhat, like a photograph left too long in the sun. He could picture Hide just fine when he didn’t intend to, but if he ever tried to picture Hide, it was like his mind couldn’t summon the image. It was like trying to grasp water in his hands.

He didn’t have a single photo of Hide to remember him by. He lost all those along with his apartment years ago, when he chose not to ever return home after what Yamori had done to him. He didn’t even have his old phone, where he knew he had saved some pictures of Hide.

He had nothing to remember Hide by, aside from the life Hide had given him when he had sacrificed himself to him. He began to worry that one day his memory of Hide would fade completely, and he would betray Hide once again by forgetting him.

Kaneki never made the conscious decision to do it, but he had taken up drawing in his spare time. He had never been the best artist, but it was something he was decent at.

It probably should have been a calming pastime, but instead it seemed to only increase Kaneki’s heartbreak and frustration.

Every single time he put pencil to paper he tried to draw Hide. Every single time it turned out wrong. No matter how hard he tried, the drawings turned out dull and lifeless. He remembered how Hide’s eyes were the warmest, most beautiful shade of brown he had ever seen, but he couldn’t seem to capture the slight green you could only see when the light hit Hide’s face just so (selfishly, Kaneki wondered if anyone else but him had been lucky enough to see that). He couldn’t capture the way Hide’s face lit up when he smiled his slightly crooked smile (Kaneki had no idea that that smile was only ever for him).

Sometimes he wondered if the lifeless eyes in his sketches were appropriate. Surely if Hide could see him now he would have no love left in his eyes. Not for him. Not anymore.

He had thought of giving up on this shameful endeavour. He should have just ripped up the drawings and never tried again.

But he couldn’t bring himself to give up on Hide, so he stored the sketches under his bed where he hoped no one would ever find them.

At least he had those, no matter how inadequate they were, to try and remember Hide’s face. Kaneki was most worried that he was going to forget Hide’s voice. How could he ever hope to replicate the sound of Hide’s laughter?  Or the way he sounded when he hummed softly while he was doing homework?

Or the gentle way he said Kaneki’s name, the way Kaneki felt wanted and safe just from hearing his voice?

Kaneki had no idea how he could ever replicate that, and he resigned himself to the fact that his memories of Hide would fade, with the vague sense that maybe he didn’t deserve his memories of Hide anyway.

It wasn’t until a while after he had taken up drawing that he remembered something from his high school days. While he could say that most of his memories from before he was Haise had returned, the truth was that he still found himself remembering odd things. He suppose that that could be true of anyone, but he was never sure what was the result of his amnesia anymore.

It was in one of his moments of downtime. He was sitting in the café where they had made their headquarters, drinking a coffee and listening to the sound of rain fall on the windows as someone played soft guitar music in the corner (Nishiki didn’t know why Kaneki allowed this, but Kaneki thought it was atmospheric).

It was the music that stirred Kaneki’s memories. One of Hide’s many temporary hobbies had been trying to learn how to play guitar in their second year of high school. Hide had been convinced for about three weeks that he’d become some kind of rock star. Kaneki had rolled his eyes at the time, but secretly he had enjoyed it when Hide would play just for him. His voice was soft and pleasant, and he wasn’t half bad at guitar. Kaneki had always been slightly annoyed, though, when Hide asked him to film his performances and put them online.

Kaneki nearly dropped his coffee on the table when he thought of this. How had the idea never occurred to him before?

He pushed back his chair hastily and shot up the stairs to his room. He was sure he had startled the other people in the café but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

His computer took an agonizingly long time to start up, and he found himself praying that he had actually listened to Hide and uploaded the videos.

When his computer finally started up, he tried searching Hide’s name. He was disappointed to not find anything, but he supposed someone must have shut down any of his profiles after he had disappeared.

Trying not to think too hard about that, Kaneki began to search any combination of words that he could think of to bring him to the video.

After about an hour of searching he was about to give up in frustration and bitter disappointment. “Teenagers playing guitar” videos were a dime a dozen online, and he couldn’t even remember the name of the song. Whenever he tried to remember, it seemed that the actual words Hide was singing faded into static. It didn’t help that the majority of the music Hide had listened to had been in English. Hide had always been better at the language than him.

He was out of ideas for what combination of words he could possibly type in to get the videos he was looking for, and the rather unproductive idea of putting his fist through the computer screen occurred to him, but then he had another thought.

Tentatively, he typed his own name in.

There were, of course, several pages of articles about the disappearance of a “promising young university student”, he smiled wryly as he sifted through them. But his heart stopped as he landed on a video called “a song for Kaneki” that had barely one hundred views.

Hardly daring to believe it, Kaneki clicked the link.

It was him. It was an awful, grainy video taken on a cellphone, but it was still clearly Hide. Younger than the last time he had seen him but unmistakably, beautifully Hide. His voice crackled a bit but it was Hide’s voice.

And he was singing for Kaneki, the song was for him.

_…will my love grow…_

The sound was too poor and Kaneki’s English too rusty to understand, but he didn’t mind. It must have been Hide who had uploaded the video after Kaneki protested. It felt like a message just for him. Like Hide had left it purposefully behind to comfort him.

… _stick around now it may show_ ….

Kaneki didn’t want anyone to hear him cry so he put his hand over his mouth to stifle the sound as he sobbed, tears streaming down his face.

“Hide, Hide…” he mumbled over and over like a prayer.

There were two other videos, both with few views and bad camera quality, that Kaneki listened to as well. They were Hide’s songs for him, and for a while he could allow himself the luxury of watching them over and over, engraving Hide’s memory deeper into his heart every time, as Hide sang him comfort even though he was long gone.

 

 


End file.
